


Monster Girls With Hats

by Tah the Trickster (TahTheTrickster)



Series: Monster Girls With Hats [1]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Alternate Universe - K/DA, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Murder, Not Original Dialog, Pop Culture, is this a crossover?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 12:17:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16764988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TahTheTrickster/pseuds/Tah%20the%20Trickster
Summary: Of all the things that might've been expected in the K/DA group home's clean, tiny kitchen, Ahri had to admit that a fresh corpse, still bloody on the white tile, was very low on the list.Unfortunately, it was, indeed, still on the list.





	Monster Girls With Hats

Of all the things that might've been  _ expected _ in the K/DA group home's clean, tiny kitchen, Ahri had to admit that a fresh corpse, still bloody on the white tile, was  _ very _ low on the list.

Unfortunately, it was, indeed, still  _ on _ the list.

" _ Evelynn! _ " she barked over her shoulder into the living room, where the woman in question reclined on the couch, TV playing on low volume as she thumbed through a social media feed on her phone.

"Ahri," Evelynn returned in a deadpan, not looking up from her screen.

"Evelynn, there is a  _ dead human _ in our  _ house! _ "

_ That _ got her attention. She twisted around in her seat without getting up, leaning far over the arm of the couch to squint past Ahri into the kitchen. "Oh, hey." She didn't even have the decency to sound appropriately shocked and appalled. "How did  _ he _ get here?"

Ahri could already feel a headache forming behind her eyes, vulpine ears twitching with barely-contained frustration. "Evelynn, what did you do." It was an accusation.

Evelynn laid a graceful hand to her chest, the very picture of indignant shock. " _ Me? _ I didn't do it." The slight smirk curling at the corner of her mouth wasn't what gave her away, but it didn't help her case, either.

Ahri's teeth ground together. She didn't even  _ begin _ to have the energy to deal with this right now. "Explain what happened, Evelynn." She turned to try to assess the damage, grimacing as she tugged him away from where he was slumped against the wall.

"I've never seen him before in my life," Evelynn sing-songed from the room behind her.

He  _ was _ a mess. Dozens of wide, bleeding wounds to the chest cavity— _ strangely consistent _ to the size and depth of Evelynn's lashers—culminating in decimated stumps at his wrists... Ahri had to grimace. This was a little beyond Evelynn's usual fare. "Why did you kill this person?" she cut to the chase with a huff, shaking her hands out as if to get his death off of her skin.

Evelynn tutted, stretching languorously on the couch like an oversized feline. "I do not  _ kill people, _ " she corrected, petulant. Ahri met her gaze, unamused. Evelynn's eyes glittered with a wicked sort of mirth. "That is..." She paused, searching for a turn of phrase. "That is my  _ least _ favorite thing to do." True enough: Evelynn always considered her hunts more an  _ art _ than simply "killing people" entailed.

"So do tell, Evelynn," Ahri said, opening a cabinet to fetch the usual set of black hand towels. "What  _ exactly _ were you doing today before I got home?"

"Alright, let's see..." Evelynn tapped the nail of her index finger against her chin, pretending to be deep in thought. "Well, I was downstairs..."

"Okay." Ahri rested her hands on her hips, one hip jutting out to lean against the doorframe as she entertained this charade.

"I was..." She feigned a little pout as she continued pretending to think. "I was in my room."

"Yes..."

"Working on lyrics."

"Go on."

"And well, this..." Evelynn flicked her fingers in his direction, as though he wasn't even worth the effort of pointing outright. "... _ guy, _ " she finally decided, leveling a truly impressive amount of vitriol into the single word, "was lurking outside."

Ahri's brows jumped sharply. She'd had her first experience with a stalker years ago, in her first stint in the spotlight, but she'd been hoping Akali and Kai'Sa wouldn't ever have to undergo similar terror under her wing.  _...Well. _ She cast a critical look at his corpse, now.  _ Perhaps that will remain the case. _ "Okay."

"So I went outside and walked up to him," Evelynn was continuing, her tone softening again, that eerily childlike glimmer of mischief reappearing.

"Yes?"

"And I, mm..." Her eyes rolled up to the ceiling as she pantomimed recollection. "Well, I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest."

Silence for a beat.

Finally Ahri sucked in a breath through her teeth, irate. She  _ really _ had no lost love for predatory men, but likewise, she  _ really _ was not in the mood to help Evelynn clean up after herself on such a  _ messy _ kill. Her eyes cut back down to the corpse as she considered. Her lips pursed: something else occurred to her. "What happened to his hands?" she sighed.

Evelynn had already let her attention start drifting back to the television. "What's that?"

"His  _ hands, _ " Ahri repeated tersely. "Why—why are they  _ missing? _ "

"Oh!" She sat up again, smiling brightly. "Well, he chose to put them on me. So I  _ removed  _ them." Ahri's brows shot up again. "And fed them to him," Evelynn added as an afterthought.

" _ Evelynn. _ " Ahri couldn't quite contain her level of disgust. She enjoyed playing with her meals  _ entirely _ too much.

"It's really fortunate that I was the only one here when he was lurking, though," Evelynn glossed over Ahri's repulsion, nonchalantly examining her manicure to ensure it was still flawless. "I was getting a little hungry, actually, and it's rare that  _ I _ have meals delivered—"

Ahri pinched the bridge of her nose. "Evelynn."

Her grin edged on delighted. She enjoyed playing with Ahri entirely too much, too. "What? I was hungry, and you know, when you crave a human soul..."

"But why on earth would you do  _ this? _ " she pled, gesturing at the body still bleeding all over their floor.

Evelynn waved her off. "I was hungry for souls, give me a break."

" _ Evelynn. _ " The warning in her tone was enough to gain Evelynn's attention. Ahri pointed sternly at the body. She agreed long ago to help  _ dispose of _ Evelynn's prey as needed, but she'd throttle Evelynn herself before doing it by herself. Evelynn tutted, but stretched and moved to stand.

"My tummy was making the rumblies," Evelynn quipped as Ahri turned to go back into the kitchen.

Ahri made a low noise of disgust in her throat. " _ Evelynn— _ "

"That only souls could satisfy."

Evelynn reached the kitchen door just in time for the hand towel Ahri threw at her to nail her directly in the face. "What is  _ wrong _ with you, Evelynn?" Ahri snorted, much of the bite gone from her voice.

"Well," Evelynn laughed, grabbing the flung towel, "I kill people, and I eat souls. So that's two things."

**Author's Note:**

> [ukulele & harmonica tune plays]
> 
> when yr datemate refuses to talk you out of terrible ideas like "what if i wrote an entire league fic with dialog ripped directly from Llamas With Hats but like played completely straight for added humor" then things like this happen
> 
> anyway. this is definitely a conversation theyve had before. you will not convince me otherwise.
> 
> can you believe my first league fic is 1 borderline a crack fic and 2 just llamas with hats with monster girls instead


End file.
